Is it guilt or shame?

Guilt and shame can feel similar on the surface — like a sinking feeling in the stomach or a heavy weight behind the eyes. But underneath, they move in different directions. Guilt says “I did something wrong.” Shame whispers “There’s something wrong with me.”

Guilt is often about behaviour. It can nudge us toward repair, toward owning our impact. It might feel uncomfortable, but it usually holds the possibility of change: I wish I hadn’t said that. I’ll apologise. I’ll do better next time. It helps us stay connected to others — even when we get it wrong.

Shame is different. It’s deeper, stickier. It doesn’t just criticise our actions — it attacks our sense of self. I’m a bad person. I ruin things. I don’t belong. Instead of inviting us to make amends, it urges us to hide. To withdraw. To prove ourselves endlessly — or to give up entirely. And while guilt can foster empathy, shame often leads to isolation.

We don’t always separate the two — especially if we grew up in environments where mistakes were met with criticism, punishment, or withdrawal of affection. Over time, even small missteps can trigger a shame spiral, leaving us feeling defective rather than accountable.

What if that sinking feeling isn’t proof you’re bad — but a sign that you care?

Therapy can help us untangle guilt from shame. It offers a space where we can reflect without self-attack, take responsibility without collapsing. A space where we can understand the roots of our shame — and begin to loosen its grip.